(secretly i love academia)

i think that independent studies are pretty much the greatest use of academic institutions that i have ever experienced. up until this semester, i have never been adept at adhering to the preordained deadlines of academia. in fact, the only reason i am trying so damn hard to give a shit about any rigid structure this semester is because (in my crazy head) if i prove to myself that i am actually capable of working within the system, it follows that my dislike for deadlines is not so much an inherent flaw as it is a carefully considered rejection of an M.O. for the sake of something better.

maybe it is a totally narcissistic experiment, but i might as well use my last semester of college for some'o'dat serious introspection crap, and i mean how can you introspect and not be centered on yourself? i have never actually been sure if my reasoning behind disliking academia has been sound, or if it's some secret cover-up for lame intellectual inadequacies. it's kinda between, "oh crud i am intrinsically incapable of being a college student SO I WILL HATE IT TAKE THAT COLLEGE I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOUR STRUCTURE ANYWAY SO IT DOESN'T MATTER" and "i am capable of jumping through your complicated hoops, College, but frankly i think i can find a more effective route on my own. c-ya."

(unfortunately, i decided a little too late to do this experiment, so my 3 and a half years of failing to reach my potential are weighing heavy on the shoulders of my newly discovered motivation. what this means is that in addition to 18 hours of classes, i have two incompletes that consisted of an entire semester's worth of work that i hadn't done. great, eve, not only are you putting yourself to the test with no previous experience with academic motivation, you are testing yourself at effectively 24 hours worth of classes and assignments)

OKAY SO NOW THIS IS WHERE I TIE THAT INTO WHAT I SAID AT THE BEGINNING

independent studies are

the

bomb.

(also, i exist in a world where the young adult cant of the 1990's hasn't gone out of style)

instead of a canned curriculum that is distilled through administrative and professorial filters before it reaches students, i create my own. i create my own process, i choose what i want to be graded on, i pick the deadlines that suit me best, and, best of all, i choose to research whatever i damn well please. from around 5 am to 8 am this morning, i was deeply engrossed in researching techniques and impacts of woodcutting. woodcutting. i managed to write a 5 page paper on woodcuts and the profound intricacies hidden within such a modest medium without even realizing that i had reached 5 pages, when the goal i set for myself was 2 pages (thanks for having an ambiguous page count, google docs). the best part about it was that rather than just feeling relieved that i was done, i felt refreshed.

weird.

i feel strange tapping into autodidactic tendencies that i had convinced myself didn't exist.

it bodes well for the outcome of this semester's experiment, i guess.