oh the impulse

re-reading the mess i wrote four years ago has generated such a distinct pleasure that i can't help but feel that if i did not start writing again, i would be doing my four-years-from-now self a terrible disservice. Four-years-from-now Self, this is for you. it is also not for you. it is for me. more to the point, it is public, which means it is somehow for both of us and neither of us, or for others and not for others.

i say more to the point but it's more toward a point i haven't made yet but will right after this colon: before i gave into the sudden impulse of clicking "new post" i had to quickly assess why i was choosing to continue the activity of such a permanent, public mode of expression. we don't know quite how eternal the internet is (i'm sure my teenage angst is still plastered in the strata of The Old Web, in the fossilized remains of the LJ community. do i still have a Myspace?), and doesn't a hand-written journal seem a more appropriate vessel into which i may pour my badly-worded metaphors meant to convey the recording of my life? why subject myself to the possible embarrassment of people i respect finding the corner of the internet where i exorcise (or exercise) my insecurities and emotional vicissitudes? and, most importantly probably, does the potential public nature of my writing render my thoughts fundamentally insincere, since the curation of my thoughts could become equally as important as the content? 

what if Anaïs Nin had had a facebook? 

i think ultimately i am of the generation where the boundary between private and public is so blurred that i don't have to feel uncomfortable with the fact that i feel more comfortable with a blog than with a moleskin. i will probably find that much can be blamed on or chalked up to being of my generation, so i will bed convenience and stick with that.

Four-years-from-now Self, so much has changed since four years ago. never could Four-years-ago Self have predicted the directions we would go (although since we were too busy whining about being directionless, it wouldn't have even come up in the first place). we will find out the next step in 5 days.